Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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