how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
