he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
