I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
