Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
