you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
