please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
