I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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