if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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