I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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