Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
