so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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