I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
