I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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