I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
