i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
