so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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