Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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