Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
