How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
