you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
