How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
