i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
