glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
