I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
