wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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