Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
