So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
