It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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