Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
