everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
