do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
