My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
