Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
