did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
