I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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