How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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