Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
