You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
