I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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