she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
