There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
