Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
