Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
