she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
