my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
