So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
