I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
