I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm at about main and main street
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
The uberlube is also flammable
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
