Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
