I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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