The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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