she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
